redrover: (Default)
I've been wavering for some time about writing this entry, mostly because there have been a good deal of distractions to excuse it away. I try to write off my problems by saying 'it's not so bad' or 'others have it worse'.

The problem with ignoring the need to put voice to my own issues is they don't go away. Yes, other people do have things worse - but that doesn't invalidate the fact that I have a problem. It's like allowing a cut to go untreated because someone else has a terminal illness. Eventually, the cut is going to become infected. And in this case, ignoring my need to talk about my problems has caused other complications to arise because I've let it fester rather than addressing it.

So this has been going on since my mother visited me in Italy, though I wasn't strictly conscious of it until October.

To begin, I haven't had my period in three months. I have taken numerous home pregnancy tests (all negative), and am attempting to get in to see my family practitioner and have myself tested at the hospital. As concerned as I am about my physical health, it's my mental well-being that is suffering more; the idea that I may be a parent, not in some indeterminate future, but soon, has made me begin to consider just what sort of person I am, and what issues have shaped me to be who I am.

Trigger warning for abuse, racism, and alcoholism. It's also quite long, so I apologize for that. )

So. I don't want hugs or backpats or sympathy really. I definitely don't know that I want to hear anyone else tell me what a horrible person my mother was, because...she was human, and I'm not saying any of this to slander her. I needed to type this all out for me. This is me, pouring my heart out into the internet ether because I need it. I need to talk to someone who doesn't know me, who isn't motivated by family loyalty to defend her or by friendship to agree with me. I need to know that it isn't necessary to internalize this.

But if you're reading this and have gotten this far, I suppose I should include a closing thought. Some message for people to come away with.

I don't have one, but I hope you come away with something. Maybe seeing how I am today, knowing what helped shaped the person I am - functional but still a righteous mess - will make you think twice about justifying bullying or prejudices, or taking a drink, or raising a hand (or weapon) against a child.


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August 2017

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