Per the advice of my therapist, I have been perusing a list given to me with suggestions for things to do when I'm feeling depressed or anxious. This list includes things like 'go for a walk', 'masturbate', and, to my amusement, 'write a list of ten celebrities you'd like to have sex with and why.'
I could never just write a list of ten celebrities I'd fuck. If I'm interested in them on a sexual level, I've gotten way more information about them than I'd want for that sort of intimate interaction. Also, I could not for the life of me think of ten celebrities. With that in mind, I've tweaked this Therapy Meme, as I'm calling it because I am a nerd, to be:
Write a List of Seven Celebrities I Would, Upon First Glance, Want to Fuck, and How it Would Go Wrong.
Also known as The Bad Idea Fuck.
I can't do anything without making it complicated. So for the following, we're going to assume these people would be in any way attracted to me, our meeting and potential sexual encounter has been facilitated and agreed-upon, and it would not completely destroy my marriage.
Of course he would be the first one on the list. He's older, which one would assume guarantees experience, attractive and non-threatening, and if there's anything someone with anxiety issues loves, it's a non-threatening sexual partner.
I love watching this .gif. I love watching his hands in general. I mean, he clearly knows what to do with them. But then I remember those hands are attached to one of the most awkward men I have ever seen in the acting profession.
Look, I know he has played a lot of sexually explicit roles (at least in the UK; in American cinema, he's rather typecast as a villain) and it's very easy to imagine one of his characters as a partner. But there's something just odd about him when he's not speaking from a script. He never answers a question directly or bluntly. When he's signing autographs, he doesn't make a lot of eye-contact or talk at all. He seems very quiet and very nervous. It's almost as though he has anxiety issues, too.
That aside, he has been in a committed relationship with the same woman since he was nineteen.
He's not just non-threatening: I think sex with a relative stranger off-camera would terrify him. This scenario would result in perhaps some half-hearted, awkward flirtation being traded, both of us looking away as though hoping for someone to rescue us, and then one person being so relieved when the other suggests calling it an early night.
I'm sure sex with Alan Rickman is very nice...so long as it remains pretend.
I was an odd kid with possible daddy issues, and never could get into the mindset of admiring teen heartthrobs. Jeff Goldblum was my childhood crush, and to be honest, I still find him attractive twenty years later. At the risk of establishing a pattern, I love his hands.
Given what I know of him (and given the above contingencies of willingness, availability, and facilitation), I think he'd probably be totally in to it. He might even be a decent partner. But at some point during what would no doubt be a relatively satisfying encounter, he would start talking. He'd say something completely innocuous and I'd hear, "Now, uh, ah, eventually you do plan to have dinosaurs on this, ah, dinosaur tour, right?"
And then I would remember I had a crush on him at eight years of age and ask him to hand me my trousers.
Freema Agyeman, Jeri Ryan, Lenora Crichlow, Emma Thompson, and Natalia Tena.
I think, as with Alan Rickman, the main draw these women have is that they're non-threatening - at least, in that they are the same gender as I am, and thus I would not be obligated to touch a strange penis and pretend I'm not silently freaking out. Women also (for the most part) tend not to use their gender to dominate their sexual partners unless encouraged to do so.
When discussing this as a hypothetical situation, I would very happily admit that I would love to sleep with any of these women. They're beautiful, clever, engaging actresses and I am, on an intellectual level, very attracted to them.
But I think all these situations would all share one thing in common when it comes to how I would sabotage them: I would get cold feet. I would walk into the room, maybe round first base, and then suddenly remember I'm heterosexual.
There would be a lot of apologizing involved. I think Freema would be really cool about it.
I don't feel it was terribly therapeutic to write out why I would fail in real life sexual situations with celebrities (or objectify these poor people), but it was a glorious waste of time and I invite others to try this out for themselves.
I think this would have been much easier if I had chosen fictional characters, instead. It's much easier to view them through a filter: they aren't real people with real feelings, and I wouldn't look for all the ways it would turn into a catastrophe.